In the beginning, God
created Adam and Eve.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, Eve had a headache and Adam ran
off with Steve.
And so Gay men were
created!
Clearly, I’m being
facetious, but having agreed with Julian that we would write this post
together, and considering the complexities of the subject, it is hard to know
where to start.
The subject of gay
men, promiscuity, prejudice and misconceptions has become a serious topic of
conversation.
Before I met Julian, I
was never homophobic. That said, I
was as guilty as the next heterosexual person of having misconceived ideas
about the gay community.
So when I heard about
sites such as Grindr, I assumed that, as many single gay men are highly
promiscuous, these sites were set up purely as a way of finding casual sex. And I have been told by other gay men,
who haven’t investigated these sites, that they have avoided doing so because
they also have this mis-conception.
I was therefore fascinated
to discover that, whilst undoubtedly it is used by some gay men for this
purpose, there is a much bigger social side to it.
If a heterosexual man
or woman goes out to a bar or club, chances are, if they see someone they like
and have the confidence to approach, that person is going to be heterosexual
too. But if they’re not, they are
unlikely to take offense.
Conversely, for a gay
man, a regular kind of guy, who has no desire to hang out solely in gay bars,
identifying someone they’re interested in, and having the confidence to make an
approach is somewhat more complicated.
Even if he feels sure that the man he’s approaching is gay, there is no
guarantee that he is ‘out’ and if he gets it wrong, the ramifications are
serious. Gay men still get beaten
up for just walking down the street, let alone making an unwanted approach.
And this is where gay
social networking sites have come in to play.
The facts are, gay
people do fall into different categories.
There will always be those whose social lives are totally focused on the
gay scene. In Julian’s experience,
this group tends to be younger, have only recently come out and are trying to
discover themselves. As they get
older and feel more comfortable within themselves, this can change significantly.
Having moved to London
four years ago, in a stable relationship, this was no longer an environment
that Julian felt a need to be part of.
He wanted a ‘normal’ social life outside of the limits of the gay scene.
However, had he moved
to London as a single man, trying to find ‘like minded’ people in the local
area would have been hard. He no
longer wants to spend his time hanging out with an entirely gay crowd (as it
is, gay men account for only 30% of his social group). So how would he have found other gay
men to meet?
Answer: gay social networking sites.
In Julian’s reckoning,
about 40% of men on the larger sites are just looking for someone to go and
have a drink with, as stepping stone to dating. Roughly 40% are looking for casual sex, with ‘no strings
attached’, and the final 20% are looking to widen their social group.
I have to wonder how
these figures compare to heterosexual dating sites. I’ve never signed up to online dating, but women I know who
have, have all told me that they have wasted time getting got know men only to discover
that they are just after sex.
With gay sites, it’s a
lot more honest and open.
Subscriber profiles state whether the member is after “mates, dates, no
strings attached, or relationships”. I have to wonder whether the heterosexual online dating
community could benefit from a bit of this honesty.
And whilst it never
seems to get a mention, the fact remains that gay men have just the same
emotional needs as everyone else.
But their portrayal as avid sexual predators completely by-passes this
point.
Having written 800
words already, I feel like I’ve only just scratched the surface of this
subject. But I hope that I have
been able to at least make you question any pre-conceived ideas you may have.
To me, the bottom line
(if you’ll excuse the pun!) is that people want two things: sex and relationships. And whilst people’s methods of finding
either sexual or life partners may vary, it is wrong to assume that gay social
networking sites are very different to heterosexual online dating.
And on that note, I’ll
leave you with this clip from Brokeback Mountain, which I just watched with
Julian. Oh, and we have decided we
have different taste in men…. Just
as well really, or it’d be handbags at dawn….
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