Thursday, 26 May 2011

“All she wants is security”…. Is that such a crime?

A friend of mine recently commented that his ex-wife was re-marrying.  He discovered his former wife having an affair behind his back.  She left him, had a baby and is now planning to marry the father.

My friend is, quite understandably, deeply wounded.

“She’s only marrying him because she wants security.” he said, with not a hint of bitterness...!  His comment lead me to believe that in his mind, her decision to remarry was entirely motivated by the need for security rather than love.

As far as I can establish, during their marriage, his wife made clear that material things mattered to her and he worked long hours to ensure she had them.  And then, of course, she complained that he was never there.  

I’ve said it before… men just can’t win can they?!

My friends’ comments stopped me in my tracks.  Why should a desire for security be regarded as such a crime?  And more importantly, what is it that gives us this feeling?  Money?  Knowing that our children are safe whilst we’re at work, or even the confidence that if we fall under a bus, someone will notice that we’re missing – and do something about it!

It can be a number of things for any number of people.  But I feel sure that it is something that everyone wants.

For women, like myself, who gave up a career to be a full time mother, we want the security that whilst we’re looking after the kids and cooking supper, the bills will be paid.

And for a lot of men, security is the knowledge that they are safe in their job and can earn enough money to fulfil their commitments and provide for their family.

So, here I am.   No longer married, without the career path I once had and with very little feeing of security!

So what to do?  Find a rich man to marry?  And if I did, would that make me feel secure?

If you’d asked me 20 years ago, I might have said ‘yes’.  But as I now know, marriage is not always ‘forever’.  I’m not even sure I want to do it again. 

And so it is that I am getting myself back to work.  Looking up old work contacts and doing my best not to find a short term fix, but a long term career path to make me feel secure.  Like most things in life, feelings of happiness and security have to come from within.

So what if, in the meantime, I fall mutually in love with the man of my dreams, who wants to marry me…?

Well, I’ll give it serious consideration.  Not for the security, but because it’s the icing on the cake!

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